As noted in several earlier posts, we have 6 cats – each with their own distinct personalities and mental abilities. Of all the felines living with us, my personal favorite is the latest one who adopted us – LC. She’s been sharing our space for about three years and she’s smarter, by far, than most other cats I’ve known.
Case in point.
Last summer I was repainting our kitchen and, in the process, pulled the stove out to paint the wall behind it. You all know what happens when you move a major appliance – there’s so much shit under it that it takes longer to clean the floor than it does to paint the entire wall.
I got a broom and dustpan and proceeded to sweep up all the loose garbage that had accumulated over the past few months since it had been moved the last time. One of the “lumps” that I swept up happened to be a rather large, dead, beetle – one of those big June bug type critters.
I was being observed, as always, by LC. She’s our resident job supervisor, constantly checking that all our chores are done correctly and to her satisfaction. The June bug was duly noted by her and put in her report.
Bug and trash swept up and dumped, I left the dustpan on the floor and proceeded to paint the wall. When I finished, I pushed the stove back in, plugged it up and started to clean up my mess. As I stepped over to get the dustpan off the floor, I got a surprise.
LC had deposited one of her many toys in it. She has catnip mice, little fuzzy play-balls and a large, blue bug. It always reminds me of a smaller version of that big plastic bug that we had to assemble in the old kids game “Cootie.”
LC had seen me sweep up the June bug and assumed that all bugs needed to be put in the dustpan. I hadn’t seen that bug in days, but she apparently knew exactly where she had left it.
Sometimes I’m afraid to go to sleep at night. I fear LC’s going to get back at me for not giving her more cookies.
Later,
obi
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Monday, December 24, 2007
My New Knickname
Besides being Einstein, according to a personality test, I have also been assigned a “Unitarian Jihad” knickname.
Later,
obi
My Unitarian Jihad Name is:
Brother Gatling Gun of Love and Mercy.
But I'll still answer to Obiwan.
Later,
obi
Monday, December 10, 2007
O Canada - Part 2
As promised, more on my driving experiences in the frozen North Country – Canada. As a truck driver, I only made three trips across the border, but they all had their individual challenges. The only constant was that I was lost for a portion of each trip.
Taking product into Canada is a little more intricate than going in with an empty trailer. First, a driver needs to take his rig to an “impound lot” – a large fenced in parking area. Then he gathers up all his customs paperwork, if he has it, and heads to a broker’s office.
Brokers set up all deliveries into Canada, in cooperation with the Canadian Customs Office. The broker checks all the driver’s paperwork and stamps it.
Then it’s off to Customs. They recheck all the paperwork, stamp it again, keep a copy and set you free to roam their magnificent country.
On my second trip into Ontario, I had no customs paperwork – none had been included with my shipment and there were no blank forms in my paperwork box.
I parked in the impound lot and headed for the broker’s office – I at least had his name and address. Luckily, they had blank forms and one of the secretaries filled them in, using my bill of lading as a guide. After that was done, customs was a breeze and I headed back to my truck.
There was, however, one more problem. Standing in front of my truck, patiently waiting for me, was a uniformed Customs Officer.
“Mind if I take a quick look inside your truck?” he asked. What was I going to say? Maybe, “Sorry officer, but I don’t have the time. If I don’t get these drugs to Toronto in the next two hours, the whole deal goes south.”
The “quick” look took 45 minutes and involved three Customs people. They even checked the hard drive on my laptop to make sure I wasn’t smuggling and virtual porn into their country.
So, trip # 2 across the border also turned into a cluster fuck. Stay tuned for the 3rd installment.
Later,
obi
Taking product into Canada is a little more intricate than going in with an empty trailer. First, a driver needs to take his rig to an “impound lot” – a large fenced in parking area. Then he gathers up all his customs paperwork, if he has it, and heads to a broker’s office.
Brokers set up all deliveries into Canada, in cooperation with the Canadian Customs Office. The broker checks all the driver’s paperwork and stamps it.
Then it’s off to Customs. They recheck all the paperwork, stamp it again, keep a copy and set you free to roam their magnificent country.
On my second trip into Ontario, I had no customs paperwork – none had been included with my shipment and there were no blank forms in my paperwork box.
I parked in the impound lot and headed for the broker’s office – I at least had his name and address. Luckily, they had blank forms and one of the secretaries filled them in, using my bill of lading as a guide. After that was done, customs was a breeze and I headed back to my truck.
There was, however, one more problem. Standing in front of my truck, patiently waiting for me, was a uniformed Customs Officer.
“Mind if I take a quick look inside your truck?” he asked. What was I going to say? Maybe, “Sorry officer, but I don’t have the time. If I don’t get these drugs to Toronto in the next two hours, the whole deal goes south.”
The “quick” look took 45 minutes and involved three Customs people. They even checked the hard drive on my laptop to make sure I wasn’t smuggling and virtual porn into their country.
So, trip # 2 across the border also turned into a cluster fuck. Stay tuned for the 3rd installment.
Later,
obi
Monday, November 26, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Cookie Whore
I’m not a cat person.
That being said, we have a kitten (plus four other cats, a dog and about a dozen goldfish) that is a doll. I’ve written about her before in the post “LC and Sir” Dec. 30, 2005, but now she has a new trick.
She’s always been a picky eater. Out of every 10 feedings she might eat 3 or 4 times. She’ll walk over to her dish, look at the day’s culinary delight and walk away. Sometimes she’ll sniff it first – then walk away.
Several hours later we’ll hear a rustling sound coming from the kitchen and know she’s on the shelf where we keep her private stash of expensive dry food. Depending on how much of the food is left, we’ll either see her head buried in the bag or, on those occasions where the bag is almost empty, just her butt will be visible. She’ll actually get all the way down into the bag to graze.
Her new nickname, though, is “Cookie Whore.” The moment anyone heads to the kitchen – or even looks like they might be going that way – LC is off at a gallop. By the time we get out there, she’s sitting on the floor, staring up at the container where her treats are stored. If that doesn’t work, she starts rubbing against your leg, purring – telling you that she loves you sooooo much and you need to feed her cookies right now. We normally comply with her wish.
The last time my daughter was home she remarked on the whole LC situation. “You know if you’d raised me the way you’re raising that cat, I’d still be living at home and not married.”
Ah, the truth hurts.
Later,
obi
That being said, we have a kitten (plus four other cats, a dog and about a dozen goldfish) that is a doll. I’ve written about her before in the post “LC and Sir” Dec. 30, 2005, but now she has a new trick.
She’s always been a picky eater. Out of every 10 feedings she might eat 3 or 4 times. She’ll walk over to her dish, look at the day’s culinary delight and walk away. Sometimes she’ll sniff it first – then walk away.
Several hours later we’ll hear a rustling sound coming from the kitchen and know she’s on the shelf where we keep her private stash of expensive dry food. Depending on how much of the food is left, we’ll either see her head buried in the bag or, on those occasions where the bag is almost empty, just her butt will be visible. She’ll actually get all the way down into the bag to graze.
Her new nickname, though, is “Cookie Whore.” The moment anyone heads to the kitchen – or even looks like they might be going that way – LC is off at a gallop. By the time we get out there, she’s sitting on the floor, staring up at the container where her treats are stored. If that doesn’t work, she starts rubbing against your leg, purring – telling you that she loves you sooooo much and you need to feed her cookies right now. We normally comply with her wish.
The last time my daughter was home she remarked on the whole LC situation. “You know if you’d raised me the way you’re raising that cat, I’d still be living at home and not married.”
Ah, the truth hurts.
Later,
obi
Thursday, October 18, 2007
O Canada
As a novice truck driver in 2002, I heard numerous horror stories about the perils of driving a big truck into Canada. Two months after my solo-driving career began, I was dispatched to Toronto, Ontario. At least I didn’t have a trailer – it had been dropped along with $500,000 worth of printing plates from Mexico at a Kodak facility in Rochester, NY.
When I got to the border, two lanes of trucks were backed up for about a mile. When I got to the border guard, he was very pleasant. He asked to see my CDL, asked me where I was from, where I was going, what I was picking up, how long I would be in Canada and where I was going to re-enter the States. He handed back my license and said, “Have a good trip.” I was in.
I picked up an empty trailer at one of our customer’s lots in Toronto and headed to my pickup. Of course my directions sucked and no one I asked seemed to know where that particular industrial park was.
After about two hours of driving around the outskirts of Toronto, I finally found it.
The warehouse where I picked up my load of pastry dough was in an office/industrial park and had a very small dock area. Add to this the fact that there were employee cars parked everywhere. There was also a trailer parked in their only other dock, making it a very tight squeeze. As I wrestled with my truck, trying to get it into the hole, the employees decided it was break time. About 15 women, primarily Asian and Hispanic, came outside to sit and smoke cigarettes. They witnessed the entire, terrifying spectacle as I tried to dock my truck. When I finally did get into the loading dock, I got a standing ovation.
Trailer loaded, I headed for Chicago. My route took me across the Ambassador Bridge and through Detroit customs. It was another long wait, and the scrutiny was a little more thorough getting back into the States. They asked a few more questions and studied my license a bit closer but finally, I was back on home soil. What really pissed me off was that I had to pay to get back into my own country.
There were other trips to Canada – some of them a little hairier than this one. I’ll save those for another time.
Later,
obi
When I got to the border, two lanes of trucks were backed up for about a mile. When I got to the border guard, he was very pleasant. He asked to see my CDL, asked me where I was from, where I was going, what I was picking up, how long I would be in Canada and where I was going to re-enter the States. He handed back my license and said, “Have a good trip.” I was in.
I picked up an empty trailer at one of our customer’s lots in Toronto and headed to my pickup. Of course my directions sucked and no one I asked seemed to know where that particular industrial park was.
After about two hours of driving around the outskirts of Toronto, I finally found it.
The warehouse where I picked up my load of pastry dough was in an office/industrial park and had a very small dock area. Add to this the fact that there were employee cars parked everywhere. There was also a trailer parked in their only other dock, making it a very tight squeeze. As I wrestled with my truck, trying to get it into the hole, the employees decided it was break time. About 15 women, primarily Asian and Hispanic, came outside to sit and smoke cigarettes. They witnessed the entire, terrifying spectacle as I tried to dock my truck. When I finally did get into the loading dock, I got a standing ovation.
Trailer loaded, I headed for Chicago. My route took me across the Ambassador Bridge and through Detroit customs. It was another long wait, and the scrutiny was a little more thorough getting back into the States. They asked a few more questions and studied my license a bit closer but finally, I was back on home soil. What really pissed me off was that I had to pay to get back into my own country.
There were other trips to Canada – some of them a little hairier than this one. I’ll save those for another time.
Later,
obi
Friday, October 05, 2007
As Promised - A Long Time Ago
No, I did not die. Just haven't been into writing for the past few months. I have, however finished two furniture projects and started on a third. Oh yeah - I've also repainted the walls in all but one room of the house.
It looked like the above photo by the time I got around to working on it. It had taken a beating, but it was still structurally sound. A lot of sand paper, steel wool, elbow grease and sweat later, it became Cayta's birthday present. I know it's over 50 years old, but how many years it was around before then are a mystery. The picture below is the end result of my labor.
The current project is a little less ambitious. Barbara bought a set of antique dining room chairs about 20 years ago. We used them for a while, then acquired a new dining room set. The chairs were relegated to our basement - and no good can come from that. They are not yet finished, but below are "before" and "afters."
The piece of furniture that I alluded to in one of my last posts was a birthday present for my daughter. For as long as I can remember (and I'm an old fart) a small, dark- colored desk sat in our living room at home. I can still see my father, who died in 1964, sitting at that desk paying bills. When my mother passed away in 1999, the desk became mine. It sat in my home office, basically unused, for the next 8 years. When Cayta was about to turn 30, I decided it was time to pass it on.
It looked like the above photo by the time I got around to working on it. It had taken a beating, but it was still structurally sound. A lot of sand paper, steel wool, elbow grease and sweat later, it became Cayta's birthday present. I know it's over 50 years old, but how many years it was around before then are a mystery. The picture below is the end result of my labor.The other piece that I undertook was an ancient 3-drawer chest that Barbara and I bought at an old antique/junk shop in Binghamton, NY in the early 70's. It's selling price was written in crayon on the inside base of the top drawer and it's still there - $8! I refinished it not long after we got it, but it still looked like shit. Over the ensuing years it sat in our living room enduring a variety of misuses. At one point, it was a stand for a 30-gallon fish tank. That particular incarnation seriously damaged the chest's structure. The top became waterlogged and and it listed to one side.
When I began the refinishing process this time I found it impossible to get the top sanded smooth - I kept running into soft spots. I even tried a belt-sander, but could not get to sound wood. The solution was a screw driver - I gouged out the rotten spots, filled them with wood filler and painted the top satin black. I added support to the chest's frame, realigned the drawers, added a false back for appearances so that it doesn't need to be against a wall and started on the sanding and refinishing process. Sadly, I don't have any "before" photos, but the picture below is how it looks now.
The current project is a little less ambitious. Barbara bought a set of antique dining room chairs about 20 years ago. We used them for a while, then acquired a new dining room set. The chairs were relegated to our basement - and no good can come from that. They are not yet finished, but below are "before" and "afters."
So, that's how I spent my summer. The impetus for my getting back to the blog was a comment this week from a new fan who seems to enjoy my ramblings. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Later,
obi
Monday, July 09, 2007
Screwed Up !
I really fucked up the pictures in my last post. I have before and after pics of both pieces of furniture, but they are not in the right order. The upper left picture is the finished pic of the bottom left photo. The bottom right and the upper right go together. I think you can figure out which is before and which is after. Later, obi
Luke - I'm Your Uncle
Doesn’t that picture remind you of a Storm Trooper from Star Wars? Hell, one of them was probably related to Darth Vader, maybe a brother, so I figured he’d be Luke’s uncle. Actually, it’s a respirator mask for noxious fumes and sanding dust.
Refinishing old furniture has been a hobby of mine for longer than I care to remember. For the past few years it’s been put on the back burner while all the broken bones in both my arms have been healing – as much as they’re going to heal.
Lately, however, I’ve been on a binge. I started with a dining room hutch of ours that had been abused for a long, long time. I removed the upper shelving unit, then stripped and refinished the base unit in its natural pine. The top looks like a sheet of glass. Very proud of that piece. Too bad I don't have before and after pictures of it.
Refinishing old furniture has been a hobby of mine for longer than I care to remember. For the past few years it’s been put on the back burner while all the broken bones in both my arms have been healing – as much as they’re going to heal.
Lately, however, I’ve been on a binge. I started with a dining room hutch of ours that had been abused for a long, long time. I removed the upper shelving unit, then stripped and refinished the base unit in its natural pine. The top looks like a sheet of glass. Very proud of that piece. Too bad I don't have before and after pictures of it.
When I visited my daughter and her husband in Georgia a while back, they asked me to spruce up an old bedroom chest they had found at the local Goodwill store. It was not in the best shape structurally, so it took a little more work to get it looking presentable. I had to replace both side panels and brace most of its supports. I stained it a darker shade, then put three coats of polyurethane on it. Below are the before and after pictures.
When I left to return to North Carolina, they asked if I would consider doing another Goodwill chest they had. I loaded it into my pickup and brought it home.
One of its previous owners had attempted to rebuild it and had totally fucked it up. The lower three drawers had a pattern carved into them, and whoever tried to repair it in the past had taken one of the drawer fronts off and, for some reason replaced it upside down. Apparently they had fiddled with all the drawer fronts because none of them fit into the carcass properly. You can see in the picture on the left that all the drawers stick out from the base unit.
Lots of rebuilding, sanding, staining and sealing ensued, but I think the final product was worth it. In this photo, you can see how the pattern in the lower three drawers was designed to look.
I can’t really discuss my next project here until next week, but I will show before and after pictures of it next time.
So far, none of these projects have been for profit, but hopefully that will change. I’m going to see my daughter this weekend and we’ve planned a trip to their local Goodwill store. I’m hoping they’ll have one or two pieces that show some potential.
Later,
obi
Monday, June 04, 2007
Speed Kills
There was a horrible traffic accident on I-40 in a county that borders ours. It happened several months ago and killed a 2 year-old girl and injured her mother, sister and grand-mother seriously. They were not at fault.
The driver of the guilty vehicle has said that he never saw the other car before the wreck. He was not seriously injured, nor was he arrested at the scene.
Last week he went before a grand jury and was charged with reckless driving and accidental death by motor vehicle – both MISDEMEANOR offenses. The penalties for these crimes consist of fines, probation or community service! .
How can this happen in a criminal justice system that is supposedly fair and impartial?
It can happen because the driver was a cop – a county Sheriff’s Deputy. He was on his way to assist another officer, attempting to enforce a misdemeanor infraction.
The minimal charges could be understood if all the circumstances involved in the accident were in the Deputy’s favor - if the other car didn’t hear his siren or see his flashing blue lights and pulled out in front of him; if his full attention had been devoted to the task at hand – driving his patrol car; or if he had been traveling at a speed reasonable for the weather conditions.
But the circumstances were not on his side. The other vehicle was traveling at the speed limit in the right-hand lane. The Deputy chose, for some reason, not to use his flashing lights or siren and was supposedly searching for his destination in an Atlas at the time of the wreck. Plus he was traveling at nearly twice the posted speed limit when it was not only dark but also foggy.
He was placed on a job that does not require driving after the accident. He was suspended without pay after the grand jury. Anyone else would have been arrested at the scene and charged with second-degree manslaughter.
The justice system is indeed blind, but it does peek out briefly to see if the offender is a cop.
Later,
obi
The driver of the guilty vehicle has said that he never saw the other car before the wreck. He was not seriously injured, nor was he arrested at the scene.
Last week he went before a grand jury and was charged with reckless driving and accidental death by motor vehicle – both MISDEMEANOR offenses. The penalties for these crimes consist of fines, probation or community service! .
How can this happen in a criminal justice system that is supposedly fair and impartial?
It can happen because the driver was a cop – a county Sheriff’s Deputy. He was on his way to assist another officer, attempting to enforce a misdemeanor infraction.
The minimal charges could be understood if all the circumstances involved in the accident were in the Deputy’s favor - if the other car didn’t hear his siren or see his flashing blue lights and pulled out in front of him; if his full attention had been devoted to the task at hand – driving his patrol car; or if he had been traveling at a speed reasonable for the weather conditions.
But the circumstances were not on his side. The other vehicle was traveling at the speed limit in the right-hand lane. The Deputy chose, for some reason, not to use his flashing lights or siren and was supposedly searching for his destination in an Atlas at the time of the wreck. Plus he was traveling at nearly twice the posted speed limit when it was not only dark but also foggy.
He was placed on a job that does not require driving after the accident. He was suspended without pay after the grand jury. Anyone else would have been arrested at the scene and charged with second-degree manslaughter.
The justice system is indeed blind, but it does peek out briefly to see if the offender is a cop.
Later,
obi
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Current Events
A lot has been going on lately.
Paris is going to jail, Bo Diddley had a stroke, Jerry Falwell died, the Steelers have a new coach, a bunch of local teachers/youth caregivers have been arrested for molesting their young charges, child molesters are infiltrating MySpace.
As far as Paris Hilton is concerned, I hope they put her in a cell with a 300-pound crack whore from south-central LA. Show her what life is really like.
I’m sorry Bo had a stroke, but I was never really a fan of his music. I would have been more upset had it been Eric Clapton or Carlos Santana.
Falwell’s Moral Majority just pissed me off. A bunch of ultra-conservative bible thumpers trying to regulate the country’s morality while they’re out humping their secretaries.
Another “rebuilding” year for my football team. At least they have 5 Super Bowl rings.
How can you prevent horny teacher from taking advantage of teenagers with raging hormones? It’s still the teachers’ fault, but most of these young boys are probably very willing participants. I still remember my 8th grade English teacher and the nasty thoughts I had about her.
Child molesters should be a very easy problem to eliminate. Either castrate them or hang them. It wouldn’t take many executions or disfigurements to send the rest a strong message.
Later,
obi
Paris is going to jail, Bo Diddley had a stroke, Jerry Falwell died, the Steelers have a new coach, a bunch of local teachers/youth caregivers have been arrested for molesting their young charges, child molesters are infiltrating MySpace.
As far as Paris Hilton is concerned, I hope they put her in a cell with a 300-pound crack whore from south-central LA. Show her what life is really like.
I’m sorry Bo had a stroke, but I was never really a fan of his music. I would have been more upset had it been Eric Clapton or Carlos Santana.
Falwell’s Moral Majority just pissed me off. A bunch of ultra-conservative bible thumpers trying to regulate the country’s morality while they’re out humping their secretaries.
Another “rebuilding” year for my football team. At least they have 5 Super Bowl rings.
How can you prevent horny teacher from taking advantage of teenagers with raging hormones? It’s still the teachers’ fault, but most of these young boys are probably very willing participants. I still remember my 8th grade English teacher and the nasty thoughts I had about her.
Child molesters should be a very easy problem to eliminate. Either castrate them or hang them. It wouldn’t take many executions or disfigurements to send the rest a strong message.
Later,
obi
Monday, April 30, 2007
Arthur is a Badass
I feel like shit! Really – all soft and brown and stinky.
About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. You know the old joke:
“Them Ritis boys is bad, but Arthur’s the meanest one.”
Well. arthritis is bad and rheumatoid is the meanest one. The reason I was diagnosed tells you how strange this disease can be. While sitting at home watching TV one evening, my hand began to swell – quickly. I ran to my toolbox, grabbed some side-cut pliers and snipped off the ring I wore on that hand. In 5 minutes my hand had swollen so much that the ring was imbedded in flesh. After a bunch of tests, rheumatoid arthritis was found to be the culprit.
Then it was weekly trips to a rheumatologist, trying different drugs and combinations of drugs to see which my body would respond to. Some of them were dangerous – others just had freaky side-effects. The steroids I took eventually dissolved the cartilage in my right hip. I had a hip replacement. They also affected my eyes. I had cataracts removed from both.
Now I’m on an injectible drug called Humira. I give myself a subcutaneous shot once every two weeks, and it seems to be working. At least it did seem to be working.
Friday night my right foot started to ache. No big deal – I get aches and pains all the time. By the time I got ready for bed, however, it was getting difficult to walk. By Saturday morning I needed a cane to take the weight off my foot. It felt like a sprained ankle, but there was no swelling. By Saturday afternoon my foot and ankle had swollen dramatically, and I needed crutches to get around.
Sunday morning I finally said, “fuck this,” and went to the local Urgent Care center where I was told that x-rays showed no bone damage and this was probably connected to my rheumatoid arthritis. I should see my rheumatologist as soon as possible.
I have an appointment at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning, and as long as the Vicodins don’t run out I should make it till then.
Later,
obi
About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. You know the old joke:
“Them Ritis boys is bad, but Arthur’s the meanest one.”
Well. arthritis is bad and rheumatoid is the meanest one. The reason I was diagnosed tells you how strange this disease can be. While sitting at home watching TV one evening, my hand began to swell – quickly. I ran to my toolbox, grabbed some side-cut pliers and snipped off the ring I wore on that hand. In 5 minutes my hand had swollen so much that the ring was imbedded in flesh. After a bunch of tests, rheumatoid arthritis was found to be the culprit.
Then it was weekly trips to a rheumatologist, trying different drugs and combinations of drugs to see which my body would respond to. Some of them were dangerous – others just had freaky side-effects. The steroids I took eventually dissolved the cartilage in my right hip. I had a hip replacement. They also affected my eyes. I had cataracts removed from both.
Now I’m on an injectible drug called Humira. I give myself a subcutaneous shot once every two weeks, and it seems to be working. At least it did seem to be working.
Friday night my right foot started to ache. No big deal – I get aches and pains all the time. By the time I got ready for bed, however, it was getting difficult to walk. By Saturday morning I needed a cane to take the weight off my foot. It felt like a sprained ankle, but there was no swelling. By Saturday afternoon my foot and ankle had swollen dramatically, and I needed crutches to get around.
Sunday morning I finally said, “fuck this,” and went to the local Urgent Care center where I was told that x-rays showed no bone damage and this was probably connected to my rheumatoid arthritis. I should see my rheumatologist as soon as possible.
I have an appointment at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning, and as long as the Vicodins don’t run out I should make it till then.
Later,
obi
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The I Man
Don Imus has done it again. He’s put his foot so far into his mouth that it’s starting to come out of his ass. “Nappy headed ho’s?” Don, you’re an idiot.
I remember listening to “Imus in the Morning” during the early 70’s on WNBC out of New York City. At the time I was living in New Jersey and caught his program on my way to work each morning. He may have been addicted to drugs and alcohol at the time, but the sumbitch WAS funny. That seems to have changed with his sobriety.
While watching his interview on The Today Show yesterday, one of his “slips of the tongue” caught my attention. I don’t know how many others noticed it or if they read into it the same significance that I did.
Matt Lauer was interviewing both Imus and the Reverend Al Sharpton at the time. Following one of Sharpton’s comments, Imus responded with, “Well, Reverend Hargus – I mean Sharpton…..” Anyone who had listened to the old Imus would have caught that immediately.
Imus had recurring characters on his old radio program and one of them was the Reverend Billy Saul Hargus, “Broadcasting to you from the Gold Buckle of the Bible Belt, Del Rio Texas.” It was a rip on radio evangelists, and regularly tore them all new assholes.
The lead-in for the skit was musical and performed by a black, female gospel choir. To the best of my recollection, and remember this was 35 years ago, the choir sang:
“I don’t care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I got my plastic Jesus,
Ridin’ on the dashboard of my car.
I can do a hundred miles an hour,
Long as I got the almighty power,
Sittin’ up there beside my fuzzy dice.”
So, was Imus’s miscue an actual slip of the tongue or one of those Freudian types, meant to stick it to the Reverend Al? We may never know, but I’d be willing to bet on the latter.
Later,
obi
I remember listening to “Imus in the Morning” during the early 70’s on WNBC out of New York City. At the time I was living in New Jersey and caught his program on my way to work each morning. He may have been addicted to drugs and alcohol at the time, but the sumbitch WAS funny. That seems to have changed with his sobriety.
While watching his interview on The Today Show yesterday, one of his “slips of the tongue” caught my attention. I don’t know how many others noticed it or if they read into it the same significance that I did.
Matt Lauer was interviewing both Imus and the Reverend Al Sharpton at the time. Following one of Sharpton’s comments, Imus responded with, “Well, Reverend Hargus – I mean Sharpton…..” Anyone who had listened to the old Imus would have caught that immediately.
Imus had recurring characters on his old radio program and one of them was the Reverend Billy Saul Hargus, “Broadcasting to you from the Gold Buckle of the Bible Belt, Del Rio Texas.” It was a rip on radio evangelists, and regularly tore them all new assholes.
The lead-in for the skit was musical and performed by a black, female gospel choir. To the best of my recollection, and remember this was 35 years ago, the choir sang:
“I don’t care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I got my plastic Jesus,
Ridin’ on the dashboard of my car.
I can do a hundred miles an hour,
Long as I got the almighty power,
Sittin’ up there beside my fuzzy dice.”
So, was Imus’s miscue an actual slip of the tongue or one of those Freudian types, meant to stick it to the Reverend Al? We may never know, but I’d be willing to bet on the latter.
Later,
obi
Friday, April 06, 2007
Look Before You Leap
One of the first lessons I learned when I started driving a big truck was to never drive into a situation where you cannot see an obvious escape route. Of course I learned this the hard way.
It was my second solo trip, and I was delivering chickens to a processing plant in Gainesville, Georgia. The directions sent by my dispatcher sucked. I later learned that this was standard operating procedure. My route had brought me from Alabama to Atlanta onto I-285, then I-85 north and onto I-985 to Gainesville. That’s as far as my directions went – no exit number, no highway name, nothing. Since I had come through the Big Chitterling (the south’s version of the Big Apple) it was, needless to say, very early in the morning – about 3 a.m.
I exited 985 at the first Gainesville interchange that I came to – a four-lane highway. Luckily there was no traffic at that hour. There were also no signs pointing to a chicken processing plant. But there were lights in the distance. Just like in “Poltergeist” I headed toward the light.
The illumination turned out to be a convenience store on my side of the highway, but there was not enough room in their parking lot for 70’ of tractor-trailer. Next door, however, was a brand new Laundromat with a large, vacant parking area.
I had no trouble at all getting into the Laundromat parking lot and I saw what looked like a large exit on the other side that would get me back out onto the highway. I parked my rig and hustled over to get directions.
Two cabbies were sitting in front of the store taking a coffee break. Who better to ask for directions? I walked up to one of the cabs and knocked on its window and the cabbie rolled it down.
“You have any idea where the XYZ Chicken Plant is?” I asked.
He smiled, pointed down a side street across from the C-store and said, “Right there, bud. You drivin’ that big rig parked next door?”
I answered in the affirmative.
“Good luck getting’ that bitch out of there,” he said while laughing his ass off.
I went back to my truck, fired it up, put my headlights on and pulled up to the “exit.” It wasn’t an exit – it was actually a large parking spot with a curb between it and the grass median that led to the highway – which meant that I’d need to back out of the lot the same way I had come in.
Avoiding all the new landscaping, I worked for about 45 minutes backing out of that lot, pulling forward, backing up, changing my angle, pulling forward again, cutting the front wheels again, and backing up. Repeat – repeat – repeat.
But a valuable lesson was learned. I should have just put on my four-way flashers, pulled into the turning lane and run into the C-store for directions.
Later,
obi
It was my second solo trip, and I was delivering chickens to a processing plant in Gainesville, Georgia. The directions sent by my dispatcher sucked. I later learned that this was standard operating procedure. My route had brought me from Alabama to Atlanta onto I-285, then I-85 north and onto I-985 to Gainesville. That’s as far as my directions went – no exit number, no highway name, nothing. Since I had come through the Big Chitterling (the south’s version of the Big Apple) it was, needless to say, very early in the morning – about 3 a.m.
I exited 985 at the first Gainesville interchange that I came to – a four-lane highway. Luckily there was no traffic at that hour. There were also no signs pointing to a chicken processing plant. But there were lights in the distance. Just like in “Poltergeist” I headed toward the light.
The illumination turned out to be a convenience store on my side of the highway, but there was not enough room in their parking lot for 70’ of tractor-trailer. Next door, however, was a brand new Laundromat with a large, vacant parking area.
I had no trouble at all getting into the Laundromat parking lot and I saw what looked like a large exit on the other side that would get me back out onto the highway. I parked my rig and hustled over to get directions.
Two cabbies were sitting in front of the store taking a coffee break. Who better to ask for directions? I walked up to one of the cabs and knocked on its window and the cabbie rolled it down.
“You have any idea where the XYZ Chicken Plant is?” I asked.
He smiled, pointed down a side street across from the C-store and said, “Right there, bud. You drivin’ that big rig parked next door?”
I answered in the affirmative.
“Good luck getting’ that bitch out of there,” he said while laughing his ass off.
I went back to my truck, fired it up, put my headlights on and pulled up to the “exit.” It wasn’t an exit – it was actually a large parking spot with a curb between it and the grass median that led to the highway – which meant that I’d need to back out of the lot the same way I had come in.
Avoiding all the new landscaping, I worked for about 45 minutes backing out of that lot, pulling forward, backing up, changing my angle, pulling forward again, cutting the front wheels again, and backing up. Repeat – repeat – repeat.
But a valuable lesson was learned. I should have just put on my four-way flashers, pulled into the turning lane and run into the C-store for directions.
Later,
obi
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Gettin' Back onthe Horse
The last three posts, all of them dealing with my trucker’s dictionary, were pretty easy – they were written several years ago as part of my book. All I did was break it into three sections, then copy and paste into my blog. It was sort of an easy way to slide back into putting something on paper.
Actually, I’ve wanted to write, but my fancy hasn’t been tickled lately. I haven’t even worked on any of my Ron Gabriel short stories. There are five so far – two pretty much wrapped up and three more in various stages of completion. Of course I haven’t found a market for them yet, but why rush into things?
Yesterday, rather than sit down at the computer and crank something out that would actually interest some readers, I power-washed my front porch – the prelude to restaining it. Sucker took about 5 hours to finish, and it’s only 10’ by 10’. Today I need to repeat the process on my deck. That sumbitch is 30’ by 12’. I need to get it finished before house-plant moving time.
Every summer all our house plants migrate from our living room to the deck where they will flourish. When we first moved to Asheville, we’d put the plants outside during the first warm spell – normally in late March. Hell – we live in the south, right?
Wrong. Every year, about the first or second week of April, we’d be rushing around trying to get them all back in before the predicted frost or freeze. Now we wait until well into April before we perform this seasonal ritual. It’s a good thing we waited this year – temperatures are forecast to dip into the upper 20’s for the next few days. That’s another reason I wanted to get the decks cleaned up now. I’ll stain them both after the freeze.
Well, this wasn’t that interesting, but it did get me back into writing.
Later,
obi
Actually, I’ve wanted to write, but my fancy hasn’t been tickled lately. I haven’t even worked on any of my Ron Gabriel short stories. There are five so far – two pretty much wrapped up and three more in various stages of completion. Of course I haven’t found a market for them yet, but why rush into things?
Yesterday, rather than sit down at the computer and crank something out that would actually interest some readers, I power-washed my front porch – the prelude to restaining it. Sucker took about 5 hours to finish, and it’s only 10’ by 10’. Today I need to repeat the process on my deck. That sumbitch is 30’ by 12’. I need to get it finished before house-plant moving time.
Every summer all our house plants migrate from our living room to the deck where they will flourish. When we first moved to Asheville, we’d put the plants outside during the first warm spell – normally in late March. Hell – we live in the south, right?
Wrong. Every year, about the first or second week of April, we’d be rushing around trying to get them all back in before the predicted frost or freeze. Now we wait until well into April before we perform this seasonal ritual. It’s a good thing we waited this year – temperatures are forecast to dip into the upper 20’s for the next few days. That’s another reason I wanted to get the decks cleaned up now. I’ll stain them both after the freeze.
Well, this wasn’t that interesting, but it did get me back into writing.
Later,
obi
Monday, April 02, 2007
Dictionary - Part Three
Drum roll, please - the final installment of the trucker’s dictionary.
PICKLE PARK
Trucker’s term for highway rest area. You figure it out.
QUALCOMM
An infernal contraption which sends and receives instant messages between a driver and
his office. It’s sort of like e-mail. The unit itself looks like a cross between a computer
and an old word processor.
RADIO RAMBO
Ass-hole drivers who use their radios to pick fights.
REEFER
No, not the kind you roll - the refrigeration unit that cools a trailer. They are diesel
powered, and make a hell of a lot of noise. You learn to sleep with them running all night
about two feet from your head.
SATELLITE
Also called a slave pump. Since big trucks have two fuel tanks (no, they’re not gas tanks)
two pumps are needed for fueling. The one on the driver’s side is a regular pump, with
readouts for gallons and dollars. The satellite pump, on the passenger side, has no
display, just a hose. It is only activated when the main pump is operating, and its gallons
and cost read out on the main pump totals.
SKATE BOARD
A flat-bed trailer
SEAT COVER
Trucker’s term for the female occupant(s) of a passing vehicle. They are generally young, attractive and long legged.
SERPENTINE
A side-to-side steering maneuver (quite snake-like) that swings the tail of your trailer. This is how a backing set-up is performed. You serpentine until your trailer is lined up with the hole that you’re trying to back into.
SMOKEY
See Bear
SUPER COOP
Slang term for one of the newer, larger weigh stations. These normally have much more room to park “out of service” trucks and some have buildings
large enough to pull an entire rig into for inspections.
“20”
One of the “10” codes used on CB’s. When someone asks what your “20” is, they are
asking for your location.
TANDEMS
There are actually two types of tandems. The drive tandems are the two sets of wheels at
the back of a tractor. They drive the truck. The trailer tandems are the two sets of wheels
at the rear of a tractor. They act as a pivot point when the truck is turned. They are
capable of being moved forward and backward on the trailer frame in order to adjust the
trailer’s weight distribution or bridge.
TARE WEIGHT LINE
The same road marking as the fog line. Past this line, the road’s engineers do not
guarantee that the highway will support the weight of a big truck.
TRACTOR
The business end of a semi. It’s the end where the driver sits.
TRAILER
Pretty self-explanatory. It’s the part that hauls the stuff. Got it?
TRIP PAK
A service, similar to UPS or FEDEX, used by some trucking companies to get needed
paperwork from the road to the home office. Drivers put completed Trip Pak envelopes in
a bright yellow box located at truck stops, where it’s picked up by couriers on a daily
basis.
WAGON
Truckers’ term for a trailer.
WRAPPER
Color of an unmarked patrol car. “That bear’s in a plain white wrapper.”
WIGGLE WAGON
A double trailer. So called because the back trailer seems to wander, or wiggle, going down the road. I heard this from a female driver, so it may just be a “girl thing.”
YARD DOG
Also called a yard mule. A very small, short tractor used in warehouse yards to move
trailers. They are extremely maneuverable and can put a trailer in a space no normal
tractor can. Their fifth wheel also raises and lowers, so they can lift and move a trailer
without raising the landing gear.
YARD STICK
Highway mile marker
ZIPPER
Dotted line on the highway
Finis.
Later,
obi
PICKLE PARK
Trucker’s term for highway rest area. You figure it out.
QUALCOMM
An infernal contraption which sends and receives instant messages between a driver and
his office. It’s sort of like e-mail. The unit itself looks like a cross between a computer
and an old word processor.
RADIO RAMBO
Ass-hole drivers who use their radios to pick fights.
REEFER
No, not the kind you roll - the refrigeration unit that cools a trailer. They are diesel
powered, and make a hell of a lot of noise. You learn to sleep with them running all night
about two feet from your head.
SATELLITE
Also called a slave pump. Since big trucks have two fuel tanks (no, they’re not gas tanks)
two pumps are needed for fueling. The one on the driver’s side is a regular pump, with
readouts for gallons and dollars. The satellite pump, on the passenger side, has no
display, just a hose. It is only activated when the main pump is operating, and its gallons
and cost read out on the main pump totals.
SKATE BOARD
A flat-bed trailer
SEAT COVER
Trucker’s term for the female occupant(s) of a passing vehicle. They are generally young, attractive and long legged.
SERPENTINE
A side-to-side steering maneuver (quite snake-like) that swings the tail of your trailer. This is how a backing set-up is performed. You serpentine until your trailer is lined up with the hole that you’re trying to back into.
SMOKEY
See Bear
SUPER COOP
Slang term for one of the newer, larger weigh stations. These normally have much more room to park “out of service” trucks and some have buildings
large enough to pull an entire rig into for inspections.
“20”
One of the “10” codes used on CB’s. When someone asks what your “20” is, they are
asking for your location.
TANDEMS
There are actually two types of tandems. The drive tandems are the two sets of wheels at
the back of a tractor. They drive the truck. The trailer tandems are the two sets of wheels
at the rear of a tractor. They act as a pivot point when the truck is turned. They are
capable of being moved forward and backward on the trailer frame in order to adjust the
trailer’s weight distribution or bridge.
TARE WEIGHT LINE
The same road marking as the fog line. Past this line, the road’s engineers do not
guarantee that the highway will support the weight of a big truck.
TRACTOR
The business end of a semi. It’s the end where the driver sits.
TRAILER
Pretty self-explanatory. It’s the part that hauls the stuff. Got it?
TRIP PAK
A service, similar to UPS or FEDEX, used by some trucking companies to get needed
paperwork from the road to the home office. Drivers put completed Trip Pak envelopes in
a bright yellow box located at truck stops, where it’s picked up by couriers on a daily
basis.
WAGON
Truckers’ term for a trailer.
WRAPPER
Color of an unmarked patrol car. “That bear’s in a plain white wrapper.”
WIGGLE WAGON
A double trailer. So called because the back trailer seems to wander, or wiggle, going down the road. I heard this from a female driver, so it may just be a “girl thing.”
YARD DOG
Also called a yard mule. A very small, short tractor used in warehouse yards to move
trailers. They are extremely maneuverable and can put a trailer in a space no normal
tractor can. Their fifth wheel also raises and lowers, so they can lift and move a trailer
without raising the landing gear.
YARD STICK
Highway mile marker
ZIPPER
Dotted line on the highway
Finis.
Later,
obi
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Dictionary - Part Deux
As promised - more trucker dictionary terms.
DROP DECK
A trailer similar to a flat bed, but much lower to the ground. Used primarily to transport heavy equipment, its deck is actually lower than its attachment to the tractor.
DROP YARD
A large, fenced area – normally with security – where trailers are stored. They act as transfer stations where empty trailers are dropped and loaded ones picked up. Most large companies have them scattered around the country.
DRY VAN
The trailers probably pulled by 75% of the nation’s trucks. These are the plain, ol’ box trailers that you see everywhere on the highways. They vary in length, but most are now 53’ long.
EARS
A term used to ask if your CB is turned on. As in, “Hey, driver - got your ears on?”
EVEL KNEIVEL
Motorcycle cop.
FIFTH WHEEL
The part of the tractor that the trailer hooks into. It’s shaped like a fat horseshoe with the opening facing to the rear of the tractor. The trailer’s kingpin slides into that opening and locks in place.
FOG LINE
The white line painted on the right shoulder of a highway. (I’d bet a whole lot of money that you didn’t know that one.)
FULL GROWN
A “bear” is full grown if he’s a state trooper and in a completely marked vehicle.
GLAD HANDS
Attachments at the ends of the air lines which run from a tractor to a trailer. They connect the lines controlling a trailer’s brakes. Without them, no air can be fed to the trailer’s brake system and the brakes cannot be released.
GRANNY LANE
Slow, or right-hand, lane of traffic.
HAMMER LANE
Passing lane. “You got a bear comin’ up fast in the hammer lane.”
HAMMER DOWN
Accelerator all the way to the floor and traveling at very high speed. Formerly called “pedal to the metal.”
HAZMAT Abbreviation for HAZardous MATerials. There are many classifications of Hazmat loads. Some items, such as cosmetics, would not considered dangerous by the average person. In large quantities, however, they do pose a health risk in the event of an accident.
HONEY BEAR
Female police or DOT officer.
JAKE BRAKE
This one goes by a number of different names, with Jake brake being the most common. It can also be called an engine retarder, an engine brake or an exhaust brake. This device forces exhaust gasses back through the engine to slow it down. It also makes the truck sound very loud and cool.
JERSEY WALL
Concrete barriers that highway crews use to separate lanes when they’re working on an Interstate. I can’t imagine why they’re named after the loveliest state in the Union.
KING PIN
A steel pin, about as round as a tin can, that sticks down from the bottom of a trailer. It slips into the fifth wheel on a tractor, and the two lock together. Because it’s round, it lets the trailer pivot so that it can turn.
LANDING GEAR
The legs that support a trailer when it’s not attached to a tractor.
LOAD LOCKS
Metal poles that expand to the inside width of a trailer. They are placed against the freight, then expanded to wedge them against the trailer walls and “lock” your load in place.
LOT LIZARD
An affectionate nick-name for a prostitute who normally works truck stops. They come in all shapes, sizes and colors, and usually hawk their wares over CB radios.
OTR
Abbreviation for over-the-road trucker. Also called a long-haul driver. They are normally dispatched to anywhere in the U.S. or Canada. Other classifications include “regional” where a driver runs only in one area of the country (say, the southeast) or “day” drivers who are only out one day at a time, usually making all their drops in one city. There are also “dedicated” drivers who always run the same route.
OUT OF SERVICE
What the DMV will do to a truck if it’s found to be unsafe. The truck does not move until the violations are corrected. A driver can also be placed out of service for logbook violations.
PARKING LOT
Automobile hauler.
More soon.
Later,
obi
DROP DECK
A trailer similar to a flat bed, but much lower to the ground. Used primarily to transport heavy equipment, its deck is actually lower than its attachment to the tractor.
DROP YARD
A large, fenced area – normally with security – where trailers are stored. They act as transfer stations where empty trailers are dropped and loaded ones picked up. Most large companies have them scattered around the country.
DRY VAN
The trailers probably pulled by 75% of the nation’s trucks. These are the plain, ol’ box trailers that you see everywhere on the highways. They vary in length, but most are now 53’ long.
EARS
A term used to ask if your CB is turned on. As in, “Hey, driver - got your ears on?”
EVEL KNEIVEL
Motorcycle cop.
FIFTH WHEEL
The part of the tractor that the trailer hooks into. It’s shaped like a fat horseshoe with the opening facing to the rear of the tractor. The trailer’s kingpin slides into that opening and locks in place.
FOG LINE
The white line painted on the right shoulder of a highway. (I’d bet a whole lot of money that you didn’t know that one.)
FULL GROWN
A “bear” is full grown if he’s a state trooper and in a completely marked vehicle.
GLAD HANDS
Attachments at the ends of the air lines which run from a tractor to a trailer. They connect the lines controlling a trailer’s brakes. Without them, no air can be fed to the trailer’s brake system and the brakes cannot be released.
GRANNY LANE
Slow, or right-hand, lane of traffic.
HAMMER LANE
Passing lane. “You got a bear comin’ up fast in the hammer lane.”
HAMMER DOWN
Accelerator all the way to the floor and traveling at very high speed. Formerly called “pedal to the metal.”
HAZMAT Abbreviation for HAZardous MATerials. There are many classifications of Hazmat loads. Some items, such as cosmetics, would not considered dangerous by the average person. In large quantities, however, they do pose a health risk in the event of an accident.
HONEY BEAR
Female police or DOT officer.
JAKE BRAKE
This one goes by a number of different names, with Jake brake being the most common. It can also be called an engine retarder, an engine brake or an exhaust brake. This device forces exhaust gasses back through the engine to slow it down. It also makes the truck sound very loud and cool.
JERSEY WALL
Concrete barriers that highway crews use to separate lanes when they’re working on an Interstate. I can’t imagine why they’re named after the loveliest state in the Union.
KING PIN
A steel pin, about as round as a tin can, that sticks down from the bottom of a trailer. It slips into the fifth wheel on a tractor, and the two lock together. Because it’s round, it lets the trailer pivot so that it can turn.
LANDING GEAR
The legs that support a trailer when it’s not attached to a tractor.
LOAD LOCKS
Metal poles that expand to the inside width of a trailer. They are placed against the freight, then expanded to wedge them against the trailer walls and “lock” your load in place.
LOT LIZARD
An affectionate nick-name for a prostitute who normally works truck stops. They come in all shapes, sizes and colors, and usually hawk their wares over CB radios.
OTR
Abbreviation for over-the-road trucker. Also called a long-haul driver. They are normally dispatched to anywhere in the U.S. or Canada. Other classifications include “regional” where a driver runs only in one area of the country (say, the southeast) or “day” drivers who are only out one day at a time, usually making all their drops in one city. There are also “dedicated” drivers who always run the same route.
OUT OF SERVICE
What the DMV will do to a truck if it’s found to be unsafe. The truck does not move until the violations are corrected. A driver can also be placed out of service for logbook violations.
PARKING LOT
Automobile hauler.
More soon.
Later,
obi
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Dictionary
This is part one in a series of trucker terms – it’s a dictionary meant to “learn” you what truckers are talking about.
ALLIGATOR
Large strips of rubber which have worn off recapped truck tires. When they’re lying on the highway, they look like ‘gators.
ARTICULATED VEHICLE
Any vehicle with a break in the middle. A car pulling a trailer or camper is articulated, as is a tractor-trailer combination. They require more training and skill to turn and back than a straight vehicle.
AVON LADY
A skunk - more specifically a dead skunk whose odor still lingers.
BEAR Dot or Highway Patrol officer.
BIG TRUCK
What truckers now call a tractor-trailer. The “in” term was, at one time, 18-wheeler or big rig.
BOBTAIL A tractor driving without a trailer.
BRIDGE LAW
This one confused the hell out of me when I first started driving. I always thought it had something to do with weight limits and bridges. It’s actually a formula for how close together your tractor and trailer tandems need to be. This regulates how much weight you are “bridging” between two sets of axels. Bridge laws vary from state to state.
BULL HAULER
A slang term for a livestock trailer. It doesn’t matter what kind of livestock is being transported – it’s still a bull hauler.
CB Citizen’s band radio. Used for two-way communications over short distances.
CDL Commercial Driver’s License. They come in two flavors, “A” and “B”. An “A” license means you can drive anything as long as you have an endorsement for it. You can drive tractor-trailers, but you need an endorsement to drive doubles and triples, hazardous materials or buses. The “B” license is normally for any non-articulating (not bending in the middle) vehicle such as a dump truck or the larger 6-wheeled delivery trucks that have a gross weight over 25,000 lbs.
CHICKEN COOP
Trucker term for a weigh station.
CONDO Newer tractors that have bunk beds, closets and spaces for a TV or refrigerator. You can actually stand up in them.
COPY CB speak for “Did you hear me?” as in “Did you copy that, driver?” the response would be: “10-4, driver. I copy.”
COVERED WAGON
A flat bed trailer with wooden side walls that are about 3 to 4 feet high. These walls have metal hoops attached at the top that are covered with a tarp. This gives them the look of an old “Prairie Schooner” or covered wagon.
DAY CAB A tractor with no sleeper unit. Used normally by drivers who make all their deliveries in one day and return home each night. They’re about 10 feet shorter that a tractor with a sleeper, therefore easier to maneuver in city traffic and tight loading docks.
DEADHEAD Traveling with an empty trailer. Only done when absolutely necessary, because, while the driver makes mileage money, the company makes nothing if the trailer is empty. Because of the trailer’s lighter weight, they are also more difficult to stop.
DISCO LIGHTS
Flashing lights on top of a police car. “Got a full grown headin’ north with the his disco lights on and the hammer down.”
DMV Department of Motor Vehicles. The state agency that enforces the DOT laws, which regulate the trucking industry.
DOT Department of Transportation. The Federal agency that writes the laws governing all commercial interstate movement on public highways.
DOT BUMPER
The piece of steel that hangs down about 2 feet on the rear of a trailer. It is government mandated, and its sole purpose is to keep a speeding car from going under a trailer on impact. The next logical step would be DOT side bumpers.
DOT TAPE
The reflective red and silver tape on the sides and backs of trailers that will glow when hit by headlights. Especially helpful when a truck is broken down and its lights are not operating.
DOCK LOCKS
A hook engaged by the shipper/receiver when a truck backs into their loading dock. When they drop the dock plate, a hook simultaneously comes up and latches onto your DOT bumper. You cannot pull away from the dock without ripping off your bumper or their dock lock.
DOCK PLATE
A drawbridge type contraption that levels a shipper/receiver’s loading dock with a trailer’s floor. It enables a forklift to run from the loading dock into a trailer.
DRIVER What “big truck” drivers now call each other, especially on the CB. At times may be interchangeable with shit head, dick head or sumbitch.
DRIVER’S AWARDS
Trucker term for a traffic ticket. “There’s a full grown bear givin’ out driver’s awards back at the 254 yardstick.”
There will be more soon – honest.
Later,
obi
ALLIGATOR
Large strips of rubber which have worn off recapped truck tires. When they’re lying on the highway, they look like ‘gators.
ARTICULATED VEHICLE
Any vehicle with a break in the middle. A car pulling a trailer or camper is articulated, as is a tractor-trailer combination. They require more training and skill to turn and back than a straight vehicle.
AVON LADY
A skunk - more specifically a dead skunk whose odor still lingers.
BEAR Dot or Highway Patrol officer.
BIG TRUCK
What truckers now call a tractor-trailer. The “in” term was, at one time, 18-wheeler or big rig.
BOBTAIL A tractor driving without a trailer.
BRIDGE LAW
This one confused the hell out of me when I first started driving. I always thought it had something to do with weight limits and bridges. It’s actually a formula for how close together your tractor and trailer tandems need to be. This regulates how much weight you are “bridging” between two sets of axels. Bridge laws vary from state to state.
BULL HAULER
A slang term for a livestock trailer. It doesn’t matter what kind of livestock is being transported – it’s still a bull hauler.
CB Citizen’s band radio. Used for two-way communications over short distances.
CDL Commercial Driver’s License. They come in two flavors, “A” and “B”. An “A” license means you can drive anything as long as you have an endorsement for it. You can drive tractor-trailers, but you need an endorsement to drive doubles and triples, hazardous materials or buses. The “B” license is normally for any non-articulating (not bending in the middle) vehicle such as a dump truck or the larger 6-wheeled delivery trucks that have a gross weight over 25,000 lbs.
CHICKEN COOP
Trucker term for a weigh station.
CONDO Newer tractors that have bunk beds, closets and spaces for a TV or refrigerator. You can actually stand up in them.
COPY CB speak for “Did you hear me?” as in “Did you copy that, driver?” the response would be: “10-4, driver. I copy.”
COVERED WAGON
A flat bed trailer with wooden side walls that are about 3 to 4 feet high. These walls have metal hoops attached at the top that are covered with a tarp. This gives them the look of an old “Prairie Schooner” or covered wagon.
DAY CAB A tractor with no sleeper unit. Used normally by drivers who make all their deliveries in one day and return home each night. They’re about 10 feet shorter that a tractor with a sleeper, therefore easier to maneuver in city traffic and tight loading docks.
DEADHEAD Traveling with an empty trailer. Only done when absolutely necessary, because, while the driver makes mileage money, the company makes nothing if the trailer is empty. Because of the trailer’s lighter weight, they are also more difficult to stop.
DISCO LIGHTS
Flashing lights on top of a police car. “Got a full grown headin’ north with the his disco lights on and the hammer down.”
DMV Department of Motor Vehicles. The state agency that enforces the DOT laws, which regulate the trucking industry.
DOT Department of Transportation. The Federal agency that writes the laws governing all commercial interstate movement on public highways.
DOT BUMPER
The piece of steel that hangs down about 2 feet on the rear of a trailer. It is government mandated, and its sole purpose is to keep a speeding car from going under a trailer on impact. The next logical step would be DOT side bumpers.
DOT TAPE
The reflective red and silver tape on the sides and backs of trailers that will glow when hit by headlights. Especially helpful when a truck is broken down and its lights are not operating.
DOCK LOCKS
A hook engaged by the shipper/receiver when a truck backs into their loading dock. When they drop the dock plate, a hook simultaneously comes up and latches onto your DOT bumper. You cannot pull away from the dock without ripping off your bumper or their dock lock.
DOCK PLATE
A drawbridge type contraption that levels a shipper/receiver’s loading dock with a trailer’s floor. It enables a forklift to run from the loading dock into a trailer.
DRIVER What “big truck” drivers now call each other, especially on the CB. At times may be interchangeable with shit head, dick head or sumbitch.
DRIVER’S AWARDS
Trucker term for a traffic ticket. “There’s a full grown bear givin’ out driver’s awards back at the 254 yardstick.”
There will be more soon – honest.
Later,
obi
Friday, February 09, 2007
Your 15 Minutes Are Over
Anna Nicole Smith died Thursday and you would think, from watching the news on television, that the President Bush had been assassinated. The Today Show devoted most of its three hours Friday morning speculating on how she died, why she died and most of her checkered past. They interviewed psychologists, psychiatrists and people from various gossip magazines.
What were her claims to fame? Well, she was a topless dancer – not too many of them around. She was a model for Guess Jeans – probably the only one with any curves. She was a Playboy centerfold – less than 500 of them around. I heard somewhere that she was an actress – but I’ve never heard of anything she was in. Oh, that’s right – she married some ancient millionaire and sort of inherited about a zillion dollars.
That’s it! Except for the fact that she just had a baby and no one knows who the father might be. At least 3 men are saying it’s theirs, but probably just for the inheritance that may or may not materialize.
I’m not happy when anyone dies, but I think she outlived her 15 minutes of fame by about 10 years.
Later,
obi
What were her claims to fame? Well, she was a topless dancer – not too many of them around. She was a model for Guess Jeans – probably the only one with any curves. She was a Playboy centerfold – less than 500 of them around. I heard somewhere that she was an actress – but I’ve never heard of anything she was in. Oh, that’s right – she married some ancient millionaire and sort of inherited about a zillion dollars.
That’s it! Except for the fact that she just had a baby and no one knows who the father might be. At least 3 men are saying it’s theirs, but probably just for the inheritance that may or may not materialize.
I’m not happy when anyone dies, but I think she outlived her 15 minutes of fame by about 10 years.
Later,
obi
Thursday, February 08, 2007
The Singing Feline
You may remember from an earlier post (LC and Sir, December, 2005) that we have quite a menagerie including 7 cats, one dog – Tina Turner – and about a dozen gold fish. Well, the number of cats has been reduced by one. No, she didn’t die, she just got sick of being beat up on a daily basis by our only male pet and moved next door.
The male cat is named “Sir,” but we normally just call him PITA, short for Pain In The Ass. I know that “Sir” is a strange name for a cat, but that was his handle when we adopted him. According to his former owners he had two male siblings and they were named, collectively, Sir, Isaac and Newton. You had to know his former owners. We adopted another cat from the same people, a three-legged female named Ilsa. We tried to change her moniker to Tripod, but she never quite accepted that.
Our oldest feline is named “Socks” because she’s black and white with white stockings. Her daughters are Zieda, Not Zieda and Thor. Thor is the one who deserted us. Both of the Ziedas are pure black and barely distinguishable from each other, but Zieda is by far the friendlier of the two. My wife had named her but not her twin sister. When we’d see one run across the living room, the question was always, “Was that Zieda?” Of course the answer half the time was, “No, that was not Zieda.” The name stuck and, believe it or not, the cats can differentiate between the two.
And, of course, we have the baby who’s now about 1 ½ years old. Named LC because she reminds me of a little Elsie the cow, she’s the darling of the bunch. Unlike the rest of the herd, she seems to be very well adjusted and she’s cute as a little stuffed animal.
But back to Sir. He’s started something new in that past few weeks – he’s begun serenading us at 5:30 AM. He walks into the bedroom every morning, scratches at the dust ruffle on our mattress, then starts singing. If it was done at any other time of the day it would actually be kind of pretty. But the only time he sings is when he’s trying to wake us up so that he can have breakfast. If the singing doesn’t get us up he jumps on the bed and harasses the female cats that sleep with Barbara. Once they start spitting and growling, he runs across my head and goes to wait for breakfast in the kitchen.
I’m normally the one who stumbles out of the sack, finds him waiting patiently for food, and throws him outside. I can tolerate them, but I’m really not a “cat person.”
Later,
obi
The male cat is named “Sir,” but we normally just call him PITA, short for Pain In The Ass. I know that “Sir” is a strange name for a cat, but that was his handle when we adopted him. According to his former owners he had two male siblings and they were named, collectively, Sir, Isaac and Newton. You had to know his former owners. We adopted another cat from the same people, a three-legged female named Ilsa. We tried to change her moniker to Tripod, but she never quite accepted that.
Our oldest feline is named “Socks” because she’s black and white with white stockings. Her daughters are Zieda, Not Zieda and Thor. Thor is the one who deserted us. Both of the Ziedas are pure black and barely distinguishable from each other, but Zieda is by far the friendlier of the two. My wife had named her but not her twin sister. When we’d see one run across the living room, the question was always, “Was that Zieda?” Of course the answer half the time was, “No, that was not Zieda.” The name stuck and, believe it or not, the cats can differentiate between the two.
And, of course, we have the baby who’s now about 1 ½ years old. Named LC because she reminds me of a little Elsie the cow, she’s the darling of the bunch. Unlike the rest of the herd, she seems to be very well adjusted and she’s cute as a little stuffed animal.
But back to Sir. He’s started something new in that past few weeks – he’s begun serenading us at 5:30 AM. He walks into the bedroom every morning, scratches at the dust ruffle on our mattress, then starts singing. If it was done at any other time of the day it would actually be kind of pretty. But the only time he sings is when he’s trying to wake us up so that he can have breakfast. If the singing doesn’t get us up he jumps on the bed and harasses the female cats that sleep with Barbara. Once they start spitting and growling, he runs across my head and goes to wait for breakfast in the kitchen.
I’m normally the one who stumbles out of the sack, finds him waiting patiently for food, and throws him outside. I can tolerate them, but I’m really not a “cat person.”
Later,
obi
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